I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she smelled like a LAN party
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
