go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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