He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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