the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
