fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
