my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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