Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
