When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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