I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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