I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
