I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
