I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
