Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
