I can't watch pbs sober anymore
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
