Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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