You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
God, I missed his penis.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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