I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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