he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
