Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
