did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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