I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
