i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
