Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
