K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
