Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
