He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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