i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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