Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
