When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
