just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
