I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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