do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
