i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
