pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
