Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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