I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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