Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
