True but thats because hes a fetus.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
