There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
