Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I looked at my own cervix.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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