i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
