i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
