Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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