i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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