I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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