even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
