like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
