Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
