Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
