1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
