thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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